A Little Bit Self Reckoning
by OdiSSe
Summary: Hermione is at the party with McLaggen. Where is Ron? [HBP missing moment]
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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**A Little Bit Self- Reckoning

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I was going to go to a party with Hermione.

Indeed.

But fate played a dirty game on me, tragedy reared his ugly head, now she is down at the party with a moron, and I am stuck here in a deserted dark classroom with Lavender well, the lass who people call my girlfrend. I would never believe in a million years that I would date her.

And whatsmore, I am snogging her.

Girlfriend? How could I bring the things up here? Pathetic. The very innocent movement after the match and now there is the consequence, which is not very innocent anyway. Who said I wanted to date her? I didn't know that kissing meant dating. That night, blinded with jealousy and resentment, I had accepted her warmy hug and her consolation kiss, but the next day she was calling me sweetheart.

This must be a dream. No, this must be a nightmare. Just a couple of weeks ago, something like a miracle had happened. Hermione, who had accused me for being the loser of the century and the most insensitive prat, decided to invite me to a party amongst a lot of boys. That misty day, when she abruptly announced the Slughorn's impending party we were in the Herbology class, squeezing the pods. The news sent shivers to my stomach. Thinking that I would never be able to go since I wasn't on the list, with a lame humour, I implied that she could go with McLaggen ignoring the jealousy gnawing inside me. However despite my desparete attempt, Hermione, looking a bit nervous and crimson, stated that she had been considering asking me. "If you'd rather I hooked up with McLaggen," she added afterwards.

Her statement did catch me out of guard. I was shocked yet ecstatic. Practically, she had asked me out. And then, for fear that she could change her mind, pretending to be cool, I said; "I wouldn't," in a very little voice whereas inside I was screaming like a crazy. But in a minute a big crash brought me out of the reverie and I realized that Harry had been nearby, he had witnessed our awkward dialogue. I remember Hermione's cheeks went pink and I was grinning all over.

What's changed now? We're fallen apart. She is cross with me. And ironically enough, she is with McLaggen. There is something very wrong about it, I know. Like someone acting me from inside, and telling me what to do. It can't be human actually, an abnormal monster.

A sudden yet long time thought on it. Yes, I am the responsible one. I accept. But who can blame me so quickly? I have a reason, I have a big excuse indeed.

It's all her fault. Why would I feel troubled? She started it. If someone should feel troubled it must be her. I should enjoy my girlfriend. They all accused me for being an inexperienced bloke. See, I can have experience if I wanted. Arrghh! But why can't I? Why I can't concentrate on my girlfriend. Why I am mentally trying to make myself believe that I am not guilty. Why I have been doing this since the first day?

Okay, I have been deciving myself. I feel guilty. But I can't tell this to anyone, can I? How can I tell people that "hey guys do you know what? I am a prat who is nothing more than a jealous, selfish boy." They would laugh at me. Not that they haven't been doing, Merlin knows. Harry, for instance. I can feel what he thinks by the way he looks at me_. You wanted Ron._

So I kept pretending that it is what I wanted. Honestly, is it called dating?

Great now, Lavender is trying to undo my jumper. Bloody Hell. Doesn't she feel at all that I am cold? Doesn't she know that how a real kiss should be. She is completely concentrated. And I'm not helping her, not one bit. This is utterly ridiculous. I'm bad at snogging, can't she see? Apparently not!

What's she up at the party, with Cormac, I wonder. It's not a date, is it? When the hell did he ask her out? I mean Hermione's not been talking to me since this Lavender thing, but I've been keeping an eye on her. Secretly, I've been following her. Where she has been. What she has been doing. When did that prat ask her for the party? I mean, he was supposed to be afraid of me.

What if Hermione asked him out? No. This is impossible. "No." Did I just say that out loud?

"Did I hurt you?" now Lavender is asking me. "No it's okay," I say. Good, she isn't curious anyway. She doesn't hurt me. But I don't feel anything, either. So, what the hell she's doing to me is just pointless for the time being.

She just can't have asked him out. First of all, she perfectly knows that I hate him. Secondly he has an eye on my place. And third, um… well, I hate him. I thought she didn't like him, either. Honestly he is way too old for her.

What did she say exactly? I really like good quidditch players. Good my ass. She doesn't like quidditch at all. Now when did she become an expert on quidditch, after Krum probably? Duh. And if Cormac is one of the good quidditch players, I don't know anything then. I am better than him, aren't I? Didn't I beat him at the tryouts? Hermione is so um… well…illogical.

The walls come over me, I can't breathe properly. But not because Lavender is snogging me out. I just don't feel good. I'm dead bored in this dark classroom. How to tell it to Lavender? Bloody Hell. She is soo enthuastic but she doesn't make me feel warm in the slightest. I should flee, but how?

Where can I go? Should I go to the dormitary? All alone in the dormy! Like I am an alone, pathetic guy. No, I won't let that happen. I have a girlfriend for Merlin's sake.

That's it. I've had enough. She's started to hurt me now. I don't feel my lips. I should call it off right away.

I push her by the shoulders slightly. Good, she's staring at me expectantly. Say something I scowl myself. You prat, say something! She gives me another seductive grin and is preparing to lean on.

"Lavender," I finally mutter. She expects me to say something. _I need an excuse. I need an excuse…_

"People," I mutter again. She doesn't understand.

"Party is about to over, they are about to come," I say finally, with a wicked expression, trying to sound believable. She doesn't look troubled.

"Already?" she asks me like a stupid. I restrain myself from scowling. "What about I am bored of you?" I add mentally.

"Still, we should stop it!" I insist trying not to sound harsh, giving her a forceful apologetic smile. She looks at me crestfallen. I honestly don't care.

Seeing that I am not in a good mood for snogging, reluctantly she's gone to the dormitary. That's good. I can give a sigh of relief now. She left me alone. Gradually, I make my way to the common room. When I finally reach there, it's deserted and quiet.

I collapse onto the couch by the fireplace, feeling much more pathetic now. I am alone in the middle of the common room.

Suddenly an evil thought crosses my mind. What if I go to the party? Well, we didn't cancel it, did we? I mean I would remind Hermione that she had invited me. I should be up there, by her side. She would laugh at me, and so everybody would. "There is no need to reveal myself as a bigger prat," I decide.

I would go and tell Slughorn that Harry invited me, though. Without doubt, he would believe and wouldn't interrogate. So I could easily take an eye on Hermione. What are they doing? What is he doing to him? Better nothing because on the contrary... Instinctively, I clinch my fist at the thought of the image.

Well I just can't go. I am not brave enough. I mean if I went, Hermione would probablyleave the party. That's what she has been doing nowadays though. Leaving all the places I present. As if I have a contagious disaster.

No I won't go and ruin her party. She should have fun. Okay no. This is a really lame consolation.

Because it was supposed to be our party, our first party. We should have had fun together. And perhaps I would pick up some courage and ask her for dance. Someone please tell me it's just a nightmare. I'm here all-alone. No Harry, nor Hermione. I let out a sad sigh.

I can't sit. I am restless. I need some fresh air. I start to pace in the room, back and forth. Useless just useless, the pain in my chest doesn't end. What should I do? The old man in the big portrait is staring at me and whispering. Bloody portraits. Why don't they just go away? I give him a dangerous look but he just smirked. Merlin, do I look like that miserable?

The minute's pass, I still stare at the fireplace.

Half an hour passed and suddenly a slight noise got my attention. And now, what is it? I hear footsteps. My hearts starts racing. Who is coming that early from the party? I turn my head to the stairs and my heart skips a beat.

Hermione.

I watch her enter the room harshly with a murderous look on her face. She doesn't notice me. Good, I can study her. She looks very beautiful in her dark blue knee-cut dress. Is that the dress she chose for our party? She looks extremely beautiful.

How can she make me feel restless all of a sudden?

Finally she's noticed me. Just a glance. She looks surpised to see me, I know. But then she quickly avoided her eyes. It's what she has been doing nowadays actually, just a glance. Her eyes always flash dangerously, and she frowns deeply. It is not the usual Hermione, I know. I awfully miss her. Doesn't she notice my regret?

Here, I have the same reaction, yet again. But this time it lasts more than three seconds. It's just pathetic, I know, counting the seconds. But wait! I see something else now. Is it the pain in her eyes? No. It's resentment, I know. She is not angry, but sad. I am sad too. Why are we sad?

She's going. "No," I want to scream. Instead I manage some grumbling noise. It didn't catch her attention. I must do something. I've to make her stop. But what I'm going to say?

Why is she early I wonder, didn't she have fun? Did Cormac make her sad and ruin her party? She has a resentful expression on her face. Is it because of me? If I went with her, would she be happy? She is uncomfortable under my glares. I can feel it. She expects me to say something. I expect her to say something.

Is someone going to tell something?

I make a move clumsily. She steps back and heads her way to the stairs. "Wait," I mumble under my breath. She doesn't hear me, because I don't say it loudly.

Wait a second. She stops suddenly at the bottom of the stairs. My heart starts to race again. She is going to say something, I feel. But no, she just stares at me with the same hurt look on her face. She's uncomfortable. I feel helpless and pretend like I am interested in the couch.

"Good night," I mumble ultimately.

This time she hears me but in return she only spares a look, her eyes full of tears. She's still cross with me.

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AN: There will be a sequence from Hermione's POV. If you're interested. :) 

What do you think?


	2. A Little Bit Self Reckoning 2

DisclaimerEverything belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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**A Little Bit Self Reckoning- 2

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I was going to go to a party with Ron.

Honestly.

But fate played a bad trick on me, tragedy reared his ugly head, now he is most likely somewhere in the castle with Lavender, doing Merlin only knows what, and I am stuck here at the Slughorn's lively party with Cormac. Cormac Mclaggen. I would never believe in a millions years that I would accompany him.

And whatsmore, I'm dancing with him.

This must be a joke. No this must be a dream. How could this happen? Just a couple of weeks ago, something amazing had happened. I, Hermione Granger who had accused Ron for having an emotional range of a teaspoon and for being an insensitive prat, jumped onto the first opportunity I encountered and invited him to a party, without even thinking twice. As soon as I heard that Slughorn organising a party and we were allowed to bring guest, my heart did a little flick. There was only one name on my mind. Ron. Who else?

It wasn't something I had planned beforehand. But it was the best way to ask him out between a date and a friendly gesture. I was intending to ask him while we were alone, on the prefect duties. However, as I started to mention about the impending party in Herbology class, he suddenly got extremely touchy about it. Once he said that I would hook up with McLaggen, getting slightly alarmed, I couldn't help and spilled it out. I had no intention to have Harry as a witness though. But at that moment, it didn't matter. I am a Gryfindorr after all, aren't I?

For a moment, I doubted that he wouldn't get the hint and wouldn't take my word seriously. Anyway, luckily I got the reaction I expected, he immediately agreed in a sheepish voice, looking relieved and content. And then, we started to enjoy our new situation, exchanging furtive glances and awkward smiles. But the next day, he was barking my head off.

There is something wrong about it, I just know. I mean, how can a person change in such a short time? Like an abnormal monster wrapped his body and mind, telling him what to do. I mean, what else can explain his dating with Lavender?

Dating? How could he bring the things up this state? Pathetic.

I feel the tears sting in my eyes, as Cormac drags me backward and forward, in a very unromantic way, with the lovely tunes of the slow music.

Nobody can blame me. It's his entire fault. I don't need to feel troubled. I should enjoy my party. If he didn't choose Lavender as a snogging partner, he would be here down with me, by my side. Nevertheless, he made his decision. I should get over and keep dancing. But why I can't enjoy the party?

Okay, I am just deceiving myself. I feel miserable. I might have a little bit overreacted. Attacking him with the canaries was a bit wild thing to do, I accept. But it was just an impulse of the moment. I went mental, to say the least. However, I've accepted the fact that I've been obvious. I don't think he has been wondering why I acted like that.

How dare he? I mean, its Lavender. It was obvious from the beginning of the year actually. Since the first day, I felt something odd with Lavender's attitude towards Ron. Merlin knows how many times I caught her staring at him. Blinking her eyes, giggling hysterically, nudging Parvati every time she saw Ron in sight. No need to be an expert on feelings, her interest was obvious like daylight.

But why now, I wonder? Why did she decide to love him right now? Okay, I am aware of the fact that he's okay looking. He's grown about a foot over this summer, too. And the event at the Ministry helped somewhat his reputation but what else? She doesn't know him like me. Not at all.

What's so special of her? Just a blonde. Is it because her hair is straighter than mine? Okay, I am thinking silly. I never care those kinds of things.

But the thing is, I've been trying to find a reason. I've been thinking about the possibilities. Well, does he date with her just because she's beautiful? No, this is not possible. He has never been the type fawning over girls. I mean if he did, I would know. Well, Fleur doesn't count. She is part Veela.

'Just because she is interested?' I can't help but snort.

This is not possible, either. Well, I know other younger girls from different houses. I catch them looking at him admiringly. He had never noticed them before. Thankfully.

Why an inner voice telling me that there is something concerning me?

But if it were about me, he would tell me, wouldn't he? Merlin knows how many times I asked him politely what the matter was. But no! He refused to talk to me. I only received cold glares, snorts, and angry mumblings that I could never understand. Harry claims that he doesn't know. I deserve to know. What did I commit? And why is he punishing me with this?

What's he up there with Lavender, I wonder? Probably snogging her face out. Because that's what he has been doing for the last one month. Deliberately, he has been waiting for me to pass the corridor and sticking his lips to hers. Always a coincedence? Doesn't he pity on my nerves?

"Do you remember my last save at the tyouts?" Cormac asks me out of the blue and I jerk slightly, coming out of my reverie.

I give him a forceful smile, trying to look interested. What is this prat talking about? Quidditch quidditch. Fine. He answers his own question now, in detail.

Okay, I regret for coming with him. I wouldn't think he would be that annoying. From the first minute we arrived at the party he's been talking about quidditch nonstop. He's been bragging how a good keeper he is. How come he couldn't beat Ron at the tryouts? Blah blah blah... "That's because I hindered," I restrained myself from scowling.

I can't help but smirk as I remember the tryouts day. When I was sure that there was no chance that Ron could beat him, with a slight panic I secretly grabbed my wand cast the confunding spell.

It was worth to see Ron ecstatic.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

After the things I've done for him. I let out a sad sigh.

It serves me right for coming with Cormac. The expression on his face was priceless. He gaped at me like he didn't believe his eyes. Did my words hurt him? _'I like really good quidditch player.'_ Well, I shouldn't think about it right know. It was the scheme, wasn't it? It was the most appropriate phrase for the moment. It was worth to see the expression on his face.

But it was supposed to be our party our first party. I had already dreamed our first dance.

"Silly git," I mumble.

Well, it wasn't easy to decide to ask Cormac out for a date, to tell the truth. I almost gave up as he put the wet smile on his face. "Awwk," a big congratulations Hermione. Once I take the issue in my hands, there is nothing I can't do about it. Some challenge girl, eh?

Finally, Cormac decides to give dancing a break. Claiming that he's thristy, he's moving across the room and I helplessly follow him. But he abruptly stops in the middle. I raise my head to see what he's staring at and- what the hell is this?

Mistletoe.

Now he's looking at my face with a stupid expression. "What?" I restrain myself from scolding. I avoid my eyes, trying to act like I haven't seen it. But nudging me on the ribs, he points it out with a broad grin on his face.

As I understand that he is seriously considering that I would kiss him, hastily I excuse for loo and leave him there, under the mitletoe, without looking my back. Muttering to myself angrily, I rush into the crowd, shocked and embarrassed. How dare he thinks to kiss me?

"Hermione!"

I turn my head as I hear someone is calling my name. It's Harry. Thanks to Merlin. I give a sigh of relief. At least, there is someone acquaintance.

Now, Harry starts to scold me for coming to the party with Cormac. He doesn't understand me. He thinks that I should talk to Ron just because he's worried of the next quidditch match. Arggh! Quiddtich again. "Patience Hermione," I soothe myself. There is no way that I could tell Ron that I interefered the tryouts. Does Harry really think I would stop that low?

Yes, I considered Smith. And now, I'm starting to think that he would be a better choice. Well, when I considered the names, I didn't even think if they would agree or not. I just wanted to drive Ron crazy.

Oh, great now I can see that Cormac is looking for me. He is literally a giant so it's impossible not to notice him. Well I can't breath properly. I need to get out of this place. I'm fed up with chasing. If there is no partner, what's the point of staying here?

I should flee.

I promptly say goodbye to Harry. At least, tonight he seems having some fun. For fear that Cormac would see me, I leave the party without further ado. I safely arrive at Gryffindor common room. Without stopping I make my way to the dormatory but a shade in the middle of the room got my attention. On a whim, I turn my head and-

Ron.

My hearts skips a beat. He's staring at me. Trying not to seem surprised, I quickly avoid my eyes. But he's still looking at me. I can feel it. His silence makes my heart ache. I linger a little more just incase he would say something. But, no! He is just standing there, speechless. I want to yell at him for ruining my party. I want to scream at him for leaving me on my own.

But I can't.

I can feel he's studying my dress. What does he think about it, I wonder? Does he like it? Does he know that I chose it carefully just becase we would go together? No, he doesn't know.

The awkward silence is making me uncomfortable. I'm waiting for him to say something. And he's waiting for me to say something. Honestly, is someone going to say something?

I can't take it anymore. I make my way to the stairs. But before I leave, I pause on the third step and glance at him over the shoulders for the last time.

He's looking sad, his eyes on the couch, "Good night," he mumbles.

His voice makes my heart melt. With the tears in my eyes, I sprint to the dorm.

I'm still cross with him.

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AN: Reviews are always welcome:) 


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